In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish
Amo, amas, amat. There are so many, many ways to usher in Valentine’s Day with those Latin words, with some pleasant reveries, and others with less than pleasant backward looks:
A soldier serving overseas and far from home was dismayed when his girl wrote to him, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women they were willing to give to him. For Valentine’s Day he bundled them all together and sent them to his former girl with a note stating, “Regretfully, I can’t remember which one is you, so please keep your photo and return the rest.”
A married couple, both 60 years old and, she assumed, still very much in love; they decided to celebrate 35 years of their lives together by celebrating with a party. During the festivities, a fairy with a magic wand appeared to congratulate them and grant each a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF, the wife had tickets for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” To everyone’s surprise, the fairy picked up her wand, and POOF, the husband was 90.”
Chacun a son gout: For a little experiment on Valentine’s Day, a professor of English wrote on the board the words, “A woman without her man is nothing.” He asked the students to punctuate it correctly. To his surprise, the men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing,” while the women wrote: “A woman – without her, man is nothing.”
Remember that special day in grade school? You’d arrive loaded with Valentine cards, some handmade, others purchased from Woolworth’s Five & Dime store. At a prescribed time you dropped each card at the appropriate seats, most often for a member of the opposite sex (though at so young an age, it was OK to leave one for a good buddy, too). When you got back to your own desk you found usually to your great pleasure the desk piled high from other members of the class. You peeked at them, then followed the teacher’s directive, to put them into your school bag and take them home, to be enjoyed in the privacy of your room. Ah, those were the days…
At one grade school, students were asked on Valentine’s Day to write a short essay on the topic of love. Here are excerpts:
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” – girl, age 8.
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. I guess that’s why perfume and deodorants are so popular.” – girl, age 9.
“It’s love when one of the people who has freckles finds someone else who has freckles, too.” – boy, age 6.
“Some lovers might be real nervous about saying love, so they are glad that they finally say it, and now they can go eat.” – boy, age 7.
“The person is thinking, ‘Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.'” – girl age 9.
“Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place – behind a tree.” – girl, age 7.
“I’m not rushing into love right now; I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” – boy, age 10.
“If you’re married, you spend most of your time loving, instead of going to work.” – girl, age 8.
“Whatever you do, don’t forget your wife’s name; that will mess up love.” – girl, age 8.
“Be a good kisser, it might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” – boy, age 9.
“When a person gets kissed for the first time they fall down and don’t get up for at least an hour.” – girl, age 8.
“Falling in love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” – boy, age 9.
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” – girl, age 9.
“To make a person fall in love with you, shake your hips and hope for the best.” – girl, age 8.
NOTE: Little Brothers needs help taking elderly people on a drive to view the results of Winter Carnival on campus. To help, call 482-6944.
Rotten Tomato average: “Warm Bodies,” B-