In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish
A nerve was struck, thanks to the wise kids’ sayings from a recent Catbird Seat; more examples were volunteered. With Mother’s Day a pleasant memory, here are some elementary school children’s responses to questions asked of them:
– Why did God make mothers
1. Because she’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. And mostly to clean the house.
– What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. I don’t know; I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
– How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like the same for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super power and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me; he just used bigger parts.
– What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel-hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones and then they mostly used string, I think.
– What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. His background, like does he get drunk on beer? Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
4. Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
– Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. He makes the best spaghetti in the world, and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.–Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by my room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
– What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Mom’s work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power.
– What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
– What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect; outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
3. You know, her hair.
– If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make her smarter, then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
– Why did God give you your Mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
Then there were 6th graders, responding during a history test:
– Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all lived in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
– Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
– Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
– The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
– Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him with an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
– In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java.
– Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus!
– Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by George Bernard Shaw.
– Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted HURRAY.
– The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
– Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Rotten Tomatoes average: “The Great Gatsby,” C