In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

Hi, Boss! It’s me, Archie the cockroach, with some good news. (Thanks for the sandwich crumbs left on your desk.) Just heard from my alley cat friend Mehitabel, and she hitching a ride on a semi from New York, headed this way should be in anytime now. How lucky could a cockroach get?

Meanwhile, Boss, I’ve been watching the preps for this big event, FinnFest -what a whirl going on here, and not just at Finlandia U. The excitement’s everywhere. I don’t know what it’s all about, but if it involves food, I’m all for it. And if there will be any stray tomcats around, Mehitabel will be excited, too. She says she’s leaving the city cats for what sounds more promising here in God’s country.

Meantime, Boss, my curiosity’s getting the better of me. As usual, I’ve been hunting around for material to suggest for your writing – heard a lot of curious things, and have plenty of questions to ask on many subjects, so be patient and if you just want to laugh at them, well, go right ahead:

I’ve heard they’ve got special smoking sessions in all the restaurants now; how’s that for a topic? But I’m wondering, Boss, isn’t that a little like creating a urinating section in a swimming pool?

Some good ideas in grocery stores; they’re selling water in little bottles labeled EVIAN, and people are buying them like crazy. Don’t they realize that spelling it backwards is NAIVE? Oh, and if croutons come in fancy airtight containers -don’t the buyers realize they’re just buying pricy stale bread with a little flavor sprinkled in? And grocery stores don’t just sell groceries; one sells something called Preparation H. Don’t you wonder whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I was thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny forks and spoons, so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?

I’m wondering: if a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, then why isn’t a person who drives a car not called a racist? And if people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? And if lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Did you ever notice, at income tax time, that if you attach “the” and “IRS” together it spells…? Who are they fooling, Boss?

We’ve got a lot of very nice post offices here, Boss, but I’m wondering why they put up pictures of criminals on their walls. Why don’t they make them into postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Do you suppose if FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they change their names to FedUP?

After sneaking a few backseat rides in a pick-up truck I noticed that you never learn how to swear very well until you learn to drive.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older and then it dawned on me, Boss. They’re cramming for their final exam!

I’ve overheard some interesting religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants do not recognize the Pope as their leader, and Baptists do not recognize one another in the liquor stores.

If it’s true, as I heard in a sermon the other day, that we are here to help others, then what are the others here for?

I read in a magazine you left on your desk, Boss, that said four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. If that’s true, does that mean the fifth one likes it?

When you’re filling out a driving license form, what would you put on it for color of hair if someone’s bald?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Boss, people ask strange questions here. When they meet you on the street they ask, “How do you do?” How do you do what?

Well, that’s enough for now, Boss. If I’ve given you a few things to think about, how about leaving some more crumbs of your next peanut butter sandwich, the kind with little crushed nuts left in it? And that good coffee you sometimes leave in your cup the kind that’s supposed to be good to the last drop? Hmmm, wonder what’s wrong with that last drop?

Bye for now, Boss. Your friend, Archie.

Note: Starting this weekend, the town’s really buzzing with activities from the Harbor on down, what with Pine Mountain Music Festival and FinnFest going great guns. Don’t let them pass you by!

Rotten Tomatoes average: “The Internship,” D+