In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

You’ve heard about it, and perhaps you’ve even experienced it yourself: The Battle of the Sexes.

No one really knows when a certain fellow looks into the eyes of a certain girl, why they see stars, hear violins and realize they’re in love. So they walk the carpet to the altar, share vows, and before you know it, years pass, a family is created and grows up. And then something happens, gradually but steadily – something neither husband nor wife seems to understand. That’s where the battle, building over the years, finally erupts and you might start hearing things like this:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (That’s from Socrates.)

Women inspire us to great things, and then prevent us from achieving them.

The great question – which I have not been able to answer – is, “What does a woman want?” (That from a puzzled Sigmund Freud.)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, and, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My husband & I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. That all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

First guy: “My wife’s an angel.” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

And if you think the above are rare examples of marriage, what about the following, also compiled from hundreds of couples:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Marriage is a three-ring-circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Ad in the paper: For sale, wedding dress, size 8. Worn by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Why are hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

A woman who was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed much too qualified for the job. “Look, Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?” (Aha, you know what’s coming, don’t you!) She replied, “Well, as a matter of fact, yes! I’ve been divorced three times.”

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said. She replied, “Of course, John, what is it?” He replied, “Six months after I’m gone, I want you to marry Bob.” “But why? I thought you hated Bob.” The final reply: “I do.”

An old man goes to a clergyman to see if he could remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. “Maybe,” says the holy man, “but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” Without hesitation, the old man says, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

A man goes to see the rabbi. He says, “Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. My wife is poisoning me.” Surprised, the rabbi asks, “How can that be?” The man continues, “I’m telling you. I’m certain of it. What should I do?” The Rabbi promises to go to the man’s home and find proof. A week later he returns to the man. “Well, I spoke to your wife for hours. You want my advice? Take the poison.”

Watch for the exotic, home-made summer lunches at the MUB (outside, under a tent) – a different foreign meal each Wednesday, noon – 1:30 p.m. – $6

Rotten Tomatoes averages: “Pacific Rim,” B-; “The Heat,” C+; “Grown Ups 2,” D-